#I've had in my mind that exercise is a thing that needs to be done early in the morning when you first wake up

[lavender---sunshine]

So unfortunately exercise does help, horrible news

[rileyglas]

Hello! Can I request Alastor x Fem!Trust Issues!Reader? I've seen quite a few fanfictions and requests where Readers were wary of Alastor, but strangely quickly began to trust him. Therefore, it seemed to me that it would be funny to see a Reader who is so distrustful of people in principle that with Alastor’s reputation this distrust reaches the point of absurdity. And when Alastor really sincerely wants to gain the Reader's trust (romantically or platonically, it doesn't matter), then it becomes a really difficult task. For example, he offers help with some little thing and the Reader immediately “what do you want from me.” Or when Alastor brings the Reader tea/coffee, she waits for him to drink first (she would probably insist that he pour it from the same ?teapot?). The other residents of the Hotel find this hilarious.

This is such a fun prompt, especially under the assumption Alastor loves nothing more than a good chase during a hunt. 😉

Like Glass (Alastor x Fem!TrustIssues!Reader)

Four months. That’s how long it took for you to finally take Charlie up on her offer of the possibility of redemption. The chance to get to Heaven seemed like a pipe dream but after a few very long talks and persuasions, you now held a key to your own room in the hotel. 

You try to keep to yourself and most seem to respect that. You’re left alone unless something is needed for one of Charlie’s exercises. You even specifically requested that Nifty didn’t bother coming to your room to clean. The less people in your space the better. 

Charlie has such a big heart but that leads to her choosing to trust even the most despicable characters. She has even trusted and allowed the Radio Demon to live under the same roof. You’ve heard all the stories, all the theories of why he was really there under the ruse of “helping” her. You didn’t buy it one bit. 

Just the other day you were trying to hang some banners the crew had made during an activity. Your ladder was rickety but unfortunately it was the only way to reach the beams. Pained grunts filled the room from you trying to stand on your tiptoes while maintaining some sense of balance. “Allow me to help, dear. Would hate to see you fall.” A staticky voice called from below you. “No thank you - I….am almost…done - shit!” the ladder shifted and almost threw you off. Alastor stabilized it with ease. “See, it is a good thing I’m here!” he yelled smugly. At this point you would rather fall than allow him to hold your life in his hands. “You’re a busy man Alastor. Hey Husk? Mind helping -”

“Nope, looks like Al has it covered.” he teased from behind the bar, relishing in your uneasy tone. You shot daggers, both angry and begging for the cat to just help you instead of Alastor. You made the last tie in the banner and swiftly came down to more solid ground. “Thanks I guess. I had it though.” you said through gritted teeth, avoiding making eye contact and rushing out of the room. Had you looked back you would have seen Husk laughing at how irate Alastor suddenly became.

Now tonight, Nifty was kind enough to serve everyone one of her more popular dinners. It was a simple dish yet as usual, you waited for everyone to nearly clear their plates before digging into it yourself. You might have been starving but you could never be too careful. We are all in Hell for a reason. Could anyone be truly trusted?

“My dear, dig in! Before it gets cold!” Alastor’s voice chirped from across the table. You glare at the toothy grinned demon, “I just like to ensure everyone is enjoying before digging in myself. Appreciate the concern though.” You try to seem pleasant but your voice always seems to drip with disdain when speaking to him, “Why are you so worried? Did you help in preparing the meal?” 

He chuckles, “I try to keep out of the kitchen when Nifty cooks but she did require a few extra hands -” You involuntarily choke and spit out the bite you had just taken. Angel and Husk also choke though it’s to hold back laughter. You sneer at their amusement. Alastor’s face twists with confusion, “Is everything alright?” “Oh uhm I’m suddenly not that hungry. Must be coming down with something. Excuse me.” You excuse yourself from the table and make your way to the library. Reading was always something that could busy your mind and right now you needed a distraction from both your growling stomach and Alastor’s attempt to help once again. He’d been making an uncomfortable effort to help you in any way he could and in your mind, that could only mean he wanted something from you.

Not many residents used the hotel library which was great for you. But of course, there was always someone who enjoyed breaking your solitude. The sound of footsteps pulls your eyes off your current page, “What do I owe the visit?” you snap over your book. 

Alastor strides over with a serving tray carrying a tea set. “Well I saw just how horrible you looked at dinner and figured some peppermint tea might help whatever ailment you’re suffering from.” He sets the tray on the table in front of you but you don’t move a muscle. “Since when do you care if someone isn’t feeling well?” you cock an eyebrow at him. 

He hums as he pours two cups of tea, taking one for himself and offering you the other, “What? Can I not offer a fellow resident a nice cup of tea?” “Nope. What do you want?” you continue to stare at the cup in his hand. His eye twitches, trying to hold back his annoyance, “Why do you insist on rejecting any of my pleasantries?”

You slam your book closed, “You’re wondering why I do not want help of any sort from one of Hell’s most vile Overlords?” He sets down your cup and sits across from you. You didn’t want company but it's too late now. “Ms. Morningstar trusts me with ensuring the safety of this hotel yet you cannot even take a cup of tea you’ve watched me both pour and drink myself. Other than what stories you’ve heard, what have I done to you to make you so cold towards me?” His eyes burn into you, eager for an answer. Although with his tone, you could only assume he knew exactly why you didn’t trust him. 

You sigh as you pick up the cup he offered. You swirl it in an attempt to examine if it looks or smells odd before hesitantly taking a small sip for yourself. “Have you ever been betrayed Alastor? By a friend? By someone you loved? Because I have. It’s how I died and how I ended up here.” 

His smile falters slightly, corners curving down before returning to their usual wide grin, “Trust is like glass, once broken it isn’t easy to fix nor will ever be the same. I admire how guarded you try to be.”

You scoff, “If it is so admirable then why bother trying so hard to earn my trust? Unless it just kills your ego that someone can see you for who you truly are -” The cup he holds suddenly shatters under his tightening grip, “Watch your tone, dear. I’ve been nothing but amicable with you. I expect the same in return.” his voice drops with static filling the air. You can’t help but smirk at how quickly you’ve managed to get under his skin. “Ooooh so it is an ego thing? Duly noted.” you bite and finish off your cup. As you stand you see Alastor’s eyes shift to black dials, his mind clearly spiraling. On your way to the door you brush a teasing hand across his shoulder, “Tea was wonderful by the way. I’m feeling better already!” Your coy laughter echoes through the library as you leave but the sounds of Alastor’s demon form drown it out. He snarls over his shoulder to you, “Don’t act so smug darling. I’ll get you to trust me one day.”

“Good luck!” You chirp walking out the door, unaware of the challenge you just put into place for the Radio Demon.  He was going to have you one way or another. It was only a matter of time and patience, two things he had plenty of when it came to getting what he wanted. You.

[ficjoelispunk]

TIPSY’S GIRL

"Say yes to heaven,

Say yes to me.

I've got my eye on you."

Summary: Sometimes everything you want is right under your nose. All you need is a little push.

Word count: 7.4k

Warnings: just a love story, happy without anguish, thank God.

Oneshot

A/N: As everyone is already tired of reading in my notes, this is another translated Oneshot. I hope I don’t disappoint so much with English. Please don’t give up on me.🙏

-

"Good night, Joel"

You said as you passed by for the thousandth time, a damp cloth through the counter.

"Good night"

It was visibly noticeable that only his carcass was present there. Deep and tired eyes, hair with curls slightly - perfectly - messy.

"You look tired, a lot of movement outside?" You asked with a gentle smile on your lips.

Joel leaned over the - now, clean - counter.

"Yeah…" he hummed, "with the winter many hordes of them move in search of warmer places"

You were pouring an shot of whiskey into the glass. You didn't need to ask, Joel always came to Tipsy after long patrols, sat in the same place since you remember, and drank exactly the same thing, every time.

"Smart Creatures..."

He smiled with your comment.

"Since I arrived in Jackson, I've never left these walls again" you handed the glass to him "we used to do walks, picnics, hiking, all the fucking weekend..." your eyes were stuck in the wood of the counter, several images taking over your mind, like flashbacks, "I miss nature" you snapped your tongue "well, I'll let you rest" your hands patted the counter "enjoy" you smiled.

Joel raised the glass towards him.

"Thanks"

***

Tiredness took over Joel's old and worn-out body. It had been three long days of patrol. Sleeping outside was becoming a big nightmare for the back. He just wanted to get home, take a long shower and rest.

He just needed a drink first. It was what he repeated to himself, as if, the fact of repeating this to himself sometimes enough, was capable of deceiving his own brain.

The truth is, he started attending Tipsy more for a single reason. You.

A woman with such a beautiful smile, that if the light of the world ran out, your smile could certainly illuminate the planet without a shadow of a doubt. Your lips filled the contour of your smile so perfectly. Your soft skin. The curves of your body. You are so beautiful. Kind. Polite.

Every time he’s close to you, his nerve endings fall asloment. He's afraid to say something wrong. He’s afraid you'll misunderstand him. Whenever he thinks about the possibility of having you, touching your skin, your lips, your body... he drives away the desire. He's not worthy. The things he's already done. It didn't seem right that the same hands that kill could be able to touch you correctly. You deserved more.

Too old for that kind of thing. So, all that was left was for him to observe her. At least from afar he couldn't lose you.

"If you keep looking at her like this, you'll make a hole in her skin," Tommy whispered to his brother, squeezing his shoulders.

"Shut up, Tommy"

"Seriously, you're a man, Joel. Call her out, it's not a big deal"

Joel just stared at his brother.

"C’mon man… She looks at you too... you're a nice guy"

"She's just being polite. Very kind to just kicking me out from this place"

"No other man would be good enough for her here, and you know that, if you continue with this shit, you'll end up having to watch any asshole take her home..."

Tommy shakes his head while waiting for you to come and serve him too.

***

Working at Tipsy was a quiet thing, most of the time. There were few nights that you had to put up with someone who ended up drinking too much, and inflating the courage to say things to you that would be at least impolite. But overall, it was something quiet. Decreased the feeling of loneliness - which you had also been used to dealing with - the end of the world does not provide healthy experiences, and keeping mental health in line is a daily exercise.

You had just left the library, selected another book - which you knew you would read in a maximum of three days - the plan was to sit on your old couch, cover your legs with the wool blanket you had knitted, and keep next to a good herbal tea that you had harvested in your garden in the morning.

The cold this afternoon was more severe, you walked looking for the sun, to warm it up, thinking about removing your heavier coats from the closet.

"Hey!"

The known and panting voice had just rested a soft hand on your shoulder.

"Hey! Maria, how you doing?"

"I’m fine. You? Did I get in the way of your thoughts? You were closed in your private world"

You smiled.

"I'm fine, thank you. I was making a mental note to remove the married people from the closet, it seems that we will have a merciless winter this year"

She nodded.

"Do you work tonight?"

"Not really, today is my day off. Do you need help with anything?"

"Yeah, I do. I was wondering if you could help me with the recipe for that Arabic salad you make, I've tried it a thousand times and I don't get it... Tommy will get sick if he doesn't eat this salad..."

You smiled.

"Yeah, shore. Tonight?"

"If you don't care..."

"No, of course not. At 6 p.m.?"

"Sounds great! I'll wait for you."

You nodded.

“See you there”

Maria has always been an amazing woman since you arrived in Jackson. She and Tommy welcomed you in the best way, with patience and care. As much as your plans were to stretch your legs up, you could never say no to this couple to whom you owe so much. If you were in a safe place today, it was because they had provided you with it. You know that Jackson is the closest to life you once had, and no matter how much it was a long way of pain and suffering, living was still an act of courage, which you were proud of day after day for having the courage to choose to live.

Tommy welcomed you with a smile on his face.

"Maria is making the baby sleep, can I help with anything?" He said as they walked to the kitchen.

You took a look at him, smiling.

“What? I'm a great co-pilot in the kitchen"

You raised your arms.

"I didn't say anything"

You laughed. Tommy taught you how to navigate the kitchen, left the ingredients at your disposal, while killing time talking. He was a very communicative man. It was no wonder that the community respected him, he was able to maintain order and protected about 300 people. Only someone articulate enough was able to keep the nerves of 300 people under control.

You were teaching how he should cut the tomato, when he got distracted looking behind you.

"Look at you man, did you take a shower!? Well, thankfully, because definitely Joel is more skilled than me in the kitchen"

You turned around smiling, Joel was... just Joel, a man whose presence did not have any explanation. He was a little older than you, a crease always demarcating the forehead, fierce eyebrows, outlined face, beard covering the face, perfectly messy hair, demarcated jaw. He had all the characteristics of a man, masculine, strong with a striking presence.

He wasn't a talker, few times you have the pleasure of seeing him smile, always worried, nervous or too tired, you had the feeling that he not had a good night's sleep for decades. The tension he carried on himself was something so poor that sometimes you have already found yourself wondering if you would be able to relieve the lines of insistent expressions that he carried on his face. If you would be able to make him feel relaxed, calm and serene.

But, although you could also swear to see him several times - a considerable amount - looking at you, every time - also a considerable amount - that you tried to pierce his shell, he always pushed you, gently and respectfully, away.

Today, however, you had never seen so many expressions passing through Joel's face at the same time. Surprise, nervousness, hesitation... he seemed paralyzed since he entered the kitchen.

"Hi" you said, your voice seeming to pull you into the world again.

He blinked.

"I'll see if Maria needs help" Tommy walked to her brother "can you help her?"

He stared at his brother, still motionless, but nodded. He slowly approached you.

"Are the tomatoes giving you trouble?" He asked pointing out where Tommy left the job in half.

You smiled.

He reached the cutting board with the knife to continue.

"You don't have to, I can..."

"I'll help you"

He looked at you so deeply, the luminosity of the house was dim, you have never been like this side by side, always separated by a counter, or far enough away to just greet each other with a nod. You had to look away, focusing on the cucumbers you were cutting.

He followed the cutting pattern you set to Tommy, and clearly more skilled, in fact. The big arms holding the small fruit, in such a subtle way, contrasting with the big hands and long fingers. The movements outlining the muscles over the tissue of your flannel. Hypnotizing your eyes with every movement.

"Am I doing something wrong?"

You almost got scared, when you heard him, too concentrated in that man's hands, making it difficult to take care of policing yourself so that he didn't realize that you had your eyes fixed on his movements. It was only then that you realized that you were biting your lips. You cleared your throat.

"No" you shook your head, trying to clear your mind, returning to focus on the cucumbers "no, you’re natural, like a Cheff. I didn't know you were a good cook"

He snapped his lips. A crooked smile crossed his lips.

"I have some skills"

You smiled.

"How does it feel to be on the other side of the counter?"

He shrugged, and looked at you again.

"At this moment, I feel better than ever"

You was fully aware of the heat that invaded your face, and burned in your stomach. You couldn't say many other things.

Joel stayed by the side until the end of the salad preparation, reaching all the materials you needed. Sometimes your arm or hand ended up brushing Joel's skin and body. Your body was so tense that it seemed difficult to breathe. The air was a little thick and the kitchen seemed very small.

Maria and Tommy came back for a while - which seemed very long - later. Maria prepared a meat, removing it from the oven as soon as you had just prepared the salad. You dined to the sound of maternity reports. Raising a baby was not easy, and raising a baby in this world was twice as difficult. Although Maria and Tommy had been blessed with a calm and healthy baby, a child who slept all night, and was quite calm during the day.

Maria served you a wine that someone from the commune had produced, with natural fermentation with grapes produced there inside Jackson itself. Tommy helped Maria organize the dinnerware, while you and Joel were sitting outside the house, in upholstered chairs that Tommy and Joel had made before last winter.

You hugged your knee, holding the glass with the wine, in the hope that the liquid would make its due effect and warm your body.

"Are you cold?" It was the first thing he said after cutting the tomatoes.

It was surprising that, although immersed in a silence, there was nothing uncomfortable to be next to him and to be silent.

You sighed.

"I haven't taken the coats out of the closet yet..."

Joel got up, covering your back with his jacket. You closed your eyes with the feeling of warmth around your body. He was hot. Your hands pulled the fabric to cover more of your body, which made you think how small you were close to him, the jacket could easily become a blanket.

"Better?" He was sitting in front of you.

You nodded.

"Thank you"

Your cheeks pressed your shoulder. The smell of him invading your senses. You were warmed by the heat that radiated from his jacket. And it was numb by the smell that the fabric exhaled. So comfortable. So cozy.

When you had finished the wine. Your eyes blinked lazy, it was time to leave.

You got up, unrolling yourself from your jacket.

"Time to go" you leaned over to deliver the jacket to Joel, but he also raised "Maria, Tommy, always a pleasure to spend time with you guys"

"There is no possibility of eating this salad if it is not made by you," Tommy said, hugging Maria.

You smiled.

"Always available, for you. Maria, give a kiss in that little one for me"

"Of course! Thank you for dinner, it was delicious"

She leaned over to hug you.

You were still holding Joel's jacket. You was going to say goodbye to him, but he was faster than you.

"I'll follow you to your home"

"You don't have to..."

"I make a point, I'll also take advantage of the ride and go home"

You nodded. He said goodbye to his sister-in-law and brother. Walking next to you to the exit of the house. Once they were walking through Jackson's deserted streets, he pulled the jacket from your arms, stretching it on your back again.

"It's cold, you can get pneumonia and die"

You smiled, making a face.

"So dramatic"

He was close enough to bump into your arm, with every step you took, his hands in the front pockets of the jeans. Slow steps. Your house was not far away, but the path seemed to drag under your feet.

"I'll stay here" you stopped in front of the stairs on your balcony.

You was going to start sliding the jacket.

"No, stay with her" Joel said.

"No, I'm going in and I'll be safe and warm. You still have the way home" your hands stretched the jacket for him "I don't want you to get pneumonia and die" you smiled and rolled your eyes.

His big hands held the jacket, brushing your hands. Even with his jacket, your hands were cold, the warmth of his touch could easily melt your skin. He was so warm. You two faced the place where your skins were. His thumb stroked your hand.

Your body was taken by an anticipation, an anxiety was making room in your stomach and it was as if you were getting hollow inside, burning the cells of the body.

Joel took a step towards you, shortening your distance. He was dangerously close to you. Your face were tingling.

His free hand rose slowly towards your face, as if he were giving you time to scold him. But you didn't. He touched your face. You stared at each other painfully, his warm fingers slid down the side of your face, and from your neck, moving your hair away from behind your shoulder.

He took another step, his eyes danced between your mouth and your eyes. He was leaning slowly, in your direction. His eyes holding your gaze. His hand holding your head. His nose touched yours.

"Tell me, if I do something you don't want" he murmured, close to your lips.

You nodded, your noses sliding on each other. Your head tilted to the opposite side of his head. Joel pressed his lips on yours, hesitant, kind. Moving away millimeters, bringing his body closer to yours, and pressing his lips on yours again. Longer.

You felt the softness of his belly, his firm breasts. You slowly opened your mouth to him, his tongue slid down your lip until he found yours. He tasted like the wine you had. You sighed.

Joel threw his jacket on the floor, his hand slipped down your waist and then down your back, pulling your body to him. One of your hands slid down his waist, grabbing his shirt. The other got entangled in his hair, your fingers in the middle of the messy curls.

The kiss became more and more intense, your breaths were heavy, your body was glued to his hot body, his heat taking over all your senses.

His lips separated from yours, his foreheads were united, Joel joined your lips in a long kiss, moving away again, you smiled. Still hugging. He moved far enough to find your eyes, running his fingers through the length of your hair.

"Do you want to come in?" You asked, almost pleading.

Joel brought your head to his lips, placing a kiss on your forehead.

"I should go home, sweetheart" his lips brushed the top of your head.

You were numb, your face practically glued to his chest, his smell, his body. His eyes were closed trying to record the maximum of this sensation.

"Okay..." you murmured.

"But can I see you tomorrow?" He asked, holding you against him.

You got just far enough away to look at him.

He smiled.

"I wanted to take you to a place"

You smiled, unable to prevent your lips from arching in happiness.

"Is it a date, Joel Miller?" You bit your lips.

His hands went up to hold your face.

"Yeah... would you grant me the honor of your company on a tour?" The thumbs of his hands caressed your face.

Your arms were around his waist. You pretended to think, pouting in the corner of your mouth.

"Yes, I would grant..." you ended up finishing.

He pulled you for a hug, caressing your back.

"Good! I was already thinking about how to persuade you"

You laughed, - as if it were necessary - you took advantage of the warmth of his arms for another moment, until you walked away, reluctant - it didn't seem that neither of you were happy to let go - taking a few steps back, until you climb your stairs.

"See you tomorrow morning" Joel said as he took his jacket from the floor, and took slow steps back.

He waited for you to enter the house.

-

It was difficult to contain the outbreak your body exhaled. You were feeling like a fucking teenager. Since the first time you saw Joel, your pupil has dilated. He was a man who drew attention, the kind of guy you wanted to wrap you in his strong arms, the kind of guy who made you fantasize about things. The way he walks. The way he speaks. Always looking so distant and mysterious, but shy and gentleman.

You noticed his looks at you. But he seemed so distant, he seemed to be so involved in this end-of-the-world thing, so hurt by the pain that, obviously, everyone went through that, it didn't make sense for you to fantasize something, it seemed unlikely that he was willing to be distracted to the point of risking having feelings for someone.

People always commented on him. When people can't pierce someone's bubble, when they can't explain their questions, they always end up attacking. There have always been buzz about how cruel and merciless man Joel is. About the things he was able to do, because he had already done.

But with you he has always been kind and respectful, up to this point, this is a matter of education, only. However, you knew hundreds of people who were very good and not even if you wanted education could sustain for a long time, depending on the scenario.

There were, of course, many women who were sentimentally frustrated with him. Joel wasn't really in the mood. Beautiful, strong and intelligent women, fragile and petty women, he was the kind of guy who made any woman's type. That, for sure, also raised a lot of gossip.

Working at Tipsy was something that made you, whether you like it or not, end up listening, seeing and being a victim, of all kinds of things, even more so in a bunch of people, in which everyone knows everyone, and, unfortunately, everyone is busy with everyone's life.

Little by little you learned to filter the things that reached your ears. And, anyway, for you, Joel has always been a respectful man, above all. Your mind was clear and aligned with the possibility that he was someone difficult before Jackson, but who wouldn't be? There are things that could be justifiable, and there are things that perhaps, were not justifiable, maybe not necessary. But the moment wasn't the best either. Extreme moments, sometimes they ask for extreme attitudes. Anyway, it didn't make much difference to you.

What made a difference was that he was a kind man, he was never rude, not even when someone was being inconvenient. It was never disrespectful, not even when he drank too much. He was always willing and available to the people - which he certainly knew - spoke of him behind his back. And, what caught his attention the most, he was always protective, careful and loving with his daughter, Ellie.

It wasn't easy to raise a teenager before, you knew, now it should probably be terrifying. Even so, he kept himself patient, eyes always attentive and full of tenderness, ready for any sign that Ellie could think of giving. Always ready for her. That was one of the things that moved your heart the most. It was visibly noticeable that he would cut without blinking a limb for this girl. This kind of love was something you appreciated.

Joel knocked on your door, shortly after the sun settled in the sky. The morning was cold, there was a considerably dense fog hovering over Jackson's streets. The snow would not take long to start giving its first signs. The thermometers already marked low enough temperatures to roll up scarves and wear three layers of blouse, and maybe a cap, if you wanted to increase the look.

"Hi," you smiled at him.

"Morning, sweetheart" he leaned hesitantly towards you.

Your feet forced themselves to stay at the ends, in an attempt to reach him halfway. Joel pressed his lips on yours, time-consuming, needy. You smiled, he slowly walked away, you climbed up your body to give another quick kiss.

"Ready?"

You nodded.

"I hope so, should I bring something?" Your eyes catch the backpack on his back.

He shakes his head.

"No, don’t worry, I have everything we need"

You nod, closing the door behind you.

***

Anxiety has always been something that tormented Joel's head. Before he thought too much for fear of not being a good father to Sarah. Then he blamed himself for Sarah's mother having left, and how it would affect Sarah's life. And then came the concerns about how he would solve life and be able to provide a good future for Sarah. Oh, how painful it was to think about the future and Sarah.

There was a moment when anxiety and sadness entangled so much in his mind that there was only room for these two feelings. Apart from, of course, the responsibility of keeping Tommy well, alive and safe.

Of course, things got better when Ellie arrived. There was the time when the fear of losing her consumed him. Now she was big enough to push him away, to make the decisions by herself. Even so, she will always be a good child, and he loves her unconditionally, he will always be there for when she needs it. There was the anxiety and the worry of keeping her safe. There would always be. But he knew Jackson was safe. He himself made sure to keep Jackson safe for her.

But now for the first time in a long time, the anxiety he felt was whether he would find you on Tipsy, if he would know how to answer your questions well enough that you didn't think he was an idiot. He felt the anxiety of, needing to contain himself, of needing to control the desire to touch you. Or one day you end up knowing that you finally found someone to be. He needed to control the impulses to drive away the men who flirted with you. To observe the malicious eyes that lingered on you. Joel could read the guys' minds as if their fucking brains were on a big screen. And just that, it was enough for him to long for just an opportunity to punch these men in the face.

He couldn't remember the last time he felt like this, about someone else. He dreamed of you. He was nervous about the idea of meeting you. He liked your voice, your smile, the way you moved, the sweet way you looked at him. Your hair... he knew that if he approached you, he would be at risk of wanting you for him, for the rest of his life.

Tommy invited him to dinner, without telling him that you would be there. He knew the moment he saw you, that Tommy was pushing him. And he can't blame him. Tommy knew him as well as he could know himself. Joel saw you arrive, he saw you settle down, he saw you building friendships, he saw you wisely dealing with people, he saw you being simply you, as if the fucking world was not over, and you had managed to stay perfectly good.

At all times, he can't take his eyes off you. He vividly remembers the day you met him - because, he already knew you - the soft and basically sacred skin of your hands gently shook Joel's hands. Your big Corsican eyes, slightly closed when your lips drawn by God's own hands, opened in the most beautiful smile he had ever seen.

And then he was there, holding your body against his, your mouth merging with his. Your heavy breathing, as inviting as he could imagine, was difficult to hold the impulse of wanting to drag you to his bed, immediately undressing your body, and warm it up with his body on yours. Finally being able to feel the taste and flesh of your lips. Your smell and the small sounds you made when he pulled your body closer to his.

He had found the passage to paradise.

Now he could only be anxious to be good enough for you, good enough to have it, and enough to keep it.

You were beautiful in the morning, properly wrapped up, which was good, you were a little cold person, he had already noticed. Maybe it was because you were a small woman, the wind overtook you easily. He smiled with the thought.

Joel bends his arm next to your body, so that you could hold his arms. You hooked yourself next to him, leaning your cheeks against his arm for a moment. It was deliciously satisfying to feel you snuggling next to his body.

"It's cold today" you speak rubbing a hand on his arm, in an attempt to warm your fingers with the friction.

Joel puts his hand on your own, which firmly hold him, feels you shudder little by little.

"It will snow soon” he watched the sky, and then you.

"What are you taking me to, Joel Miller?"

He smiles.

"You'll like it, trust me"

You two walked towards the stables. Joel had already left Callus prepared for you.

"Are we going to ride a horse?" You ask, your voice seemed curious but hesitant.

"Are you nervous?"

You shook your head. But your eyes said something else.

Joel finishes checking the sadle buckles, and walks up to you. He slides a lock of your hair behind your shoulders.

"Do you trust me?" He asks.

Your deer eyes force him to get a little closer to you.

"Yes, I trust you"

Joel kisses your forehead, holding your hand, to lead you to the horse.

***

How to explain how difficult it was to trust someone these days? You trusted Joel, he was a man to whom you naturally transmitted security. But it was impossible to avoid the butterflies dancing in your stomach.

He helped you get on the horse. Your arms around his waist, as he led you out of the gates.

"Joel?" You couldn't stand it.

"Mhmm?"

"Where are you taking me to?"

"Isn't you a fan of surprises?"

You laughed. Feeling unfair to him, whatever it was, it seemed unfair to steal whatever he took the trouble to plan. So used to always having everything under your control, knowing very well where you are stepping, what to do and when to do it, you was not used to not having control. Trusting without knowing what to expect.

"I'd like to show you a place, just it"

You smiled. It was almost as if you hadn't stopped smiling since the night before.

"All right, sorry”

You two rode for a long time, but it wasn't boring at all. You couldn't remember the last time you left Jackson. It could be a fantasy of your head, but the air looked different outside, everything was so much more alive. Nature was something imperial, only it had a place outside. The burning orange colors of the leaves of the trees with winter coming, the almost dead landscape had a melancholic beauty. The silence, only the horse's paws, you and nature. Joel stopped Callus on the slope of a mountain.

It helped you go down, holding your waist, sticking you to the floor.

"Let's walk a little now, okay?"

"Yeah, sure"

He held your hand.

"You said you liked hiking, that you missed nature..." he looked at you "I thought it would be a walk you would like."

Your heart almost jumped. You said a lot of things to Joel when he passed by Tipsy, but you could swear that he was just nodding out of politeness, it didn't seem like he was absorbing the information, keeping your words to himself. That was very cute.

The trail went up the mountain, and at no time did he let go of your hand. He said that he had already come here with Ellie, - which was very sweet, you understood that it was an important place for him - you talked about trivial things in life before the outbreak. You already knew some things, such as, for example, he and Tommy worked with construction companies, contractors, things like that. It was a surprise for him, when you say that you was a biologist.

"Fancy..."

You shook your head.

"It's not like this profession is very useful now, you know. Builders are much more fancy."

He smiled.

You said that you did a lot of field work, research and always ended up in the middle of the woods, these experiences were what ended up helping you survive in the first years of the outbreak.

Being walking around there, next to Joel, the strongest of him holding yours, surrounded by nature, one of the places where you felt most comfortable, filled your senses with peace and calm.

There was a patrol post in the middle of the way, Joel passed by, he didn't take long, he just removed a guitar from somewhere very well kept there.

"I'll leave it here for when we're going to do longer patrols..." he explained as he slides his hand through the instrument.

"I didn't know you played..."

"You will find out why, of almost no one having the joy of knowing," he said ironically.

You laughed.

When you reached the top, you had to hold back the urge to cry. Joel let go of your hand, watching you take small steps, looking at the view in front of you. You've been to beautiful places before, but being there, with the world in that scenario, next to a man who thought about the fact how much you would like something like that, was simply indescribable. Such an affectionate gesture on his part.

Your hands covered your mouth. You looked at him with teary eyes. The view was stunningly beautiful, exciting. The mountains in the background. The green, the trees. The sky. Him. Everything was perfect.

"Did you like it?" He asked quietly as he approached you.

"Joel..." you looked back at the landscape that looked millimetrically hand-painted "it's perfect... I loved it, this place is amazing"

He smiled, hugged you from behind, resting his chin on your head, his arms around you. You stayed there for a while. The cold wind cut you, a painfully pleasant feeling of knowing that you were closer to the sky.

Joel opened his backpack, extending a blanket on the floor, removing fruit, water, and a bottle of tea. You sat down, Joel leaning against a trunk of a tree, you in the middle of his legs, resting on his breasts, his hands on yours, separating just to reach some drink, or some fruit, your fingers intertwined stroking each other's hand.

He played the guitar for you. This man's voice is a threat to your heart.

"I wanted to be a singer when I was younger"

"You would have been a star. Women would go crazy"

He laughed.

“You are such good lier”

You tried to convince him that he was really good at that. But he was a modest man, and too shy to receive so many compliments.

The silence was comfortable too, you had a book in your hand, feeling the sun on your skin, the birds flying in the sky. Joel was also reading.

"Joel?" You tilted your head back, leaning against his chest, to look at him.

"Mhmm?"

"Did you plan all this?"

He nodded behind you.

"You simply, you just eliminated any kind of competition, you know that, right? After today, it will simply be impossible for anyone to surpass you"

He sighed a smile.

"When you told me you missed nature, this was one of the first places that came to my mind.”

“Thank you, I really liked it”

“Yeah… I just didn't imagine that I would have the opportunity to one day bring you here"

You turned to look at him.

"Why?"

He seemed to be embarrassed.

"I didn't think you would give me a chance"

You settled to face him.

"What do you mean?"

He looked away, looking beyond you, at the landscape. He seemed afraid to say the words. One of his hands that were at your waist, reached a small and thin branch on the floor to distract his attention.

"Did you really think I was going to Tipsy just to drink that damn whiskey that Seth serves?"

You kept analyzing his face. Without answering.

"Tommy and I got better whiskeys when we went on patrol" he threw the branch on the floor, looked at you again "I'm going to Tipsy because I wanted to see you"

It took you a while to process the information.

"Joel..."

"I wanted to spend time with you, but look at you..."

You frowned.

"I never imagined that a woman like you would waste some time with a man like me, and... besides, I didn't want to bother you"

You tilted your head, your hands held his face, affectionately directing his gaze to you.

"Joel, what could a woman like me want, if not a man like you?"

He smiled, embarrassed and tried to divert his face from his touch.

"Look at me," you said, holding his face again, "you are a kind, generous, polite, respectful, honest man, I would waste any time with you"

His eyes seemed painful, as if your words were being stuck in his skin, as if he were being forced to believe your words, as if he himself was not able to recognize the man he was.

You caressed his rebellious hair, approaching him, to kiss him, soft and gentle in the beginning. But this was gradually being replaced by a needy pain, when his hand went up to your neck, the other fixing your legs so that you were on his lap, putting your legs around his hip, your arms leaned on his wide shoulders, he pulled you close, his hand sliding through the hem of your blouses, letting some fingers brush your skin. You moaned in his mouth, your skin shivering, his tongue plunged into you, making you press yourself against him, putting your body stuck to his, his hands went down to your hip, but his fingers squeezed the flesh of your ass. You were about to start moving your hips in search of relief when he walked away from you panting.

His forehead stuck to yours. You smiled.

"Sweetheart” he said “Maybe we should go back..."

"Yeah, it seems like a good idea"

You made a slight cuddle on his hair, he pressed some quick kisses on your lips, before you got up, put things away, and made the trail back.

The way back to Jackson was faster. Joel left Callus in the stables, it was almost incredible that you spent almost the whole day together, it was almost the end of the afternoon when you were making their way back to your house. You still had to work at night. Everyone who passed by you two, delayed their eyes, your eyes caught some women whispering among them. You pretended not to see it.

You were almost in front of your house.

"I hope I didn't make you tired, you still work tonight, right?"

"That’s right, but I'm not tired, it was basically like recharging the energies"

He smiled.

You were about to climb the stairs from your balcony. He held your hand.

"Can I see you tonight?" He looked at you looking for any kind of approval on your face.

"Joel, you can see me whenever you want"

He seemed satisfied.

"But you can come in if you want. I still have some time, until I start my shift"

You held his hand harder. Almost as if he had no choice but to accept. He nodded. You went up the stairs, opening the door, pulling him behind you.

As soon as you were inside your house, he pushed you against the door. Kissing you, slipping his tongue inside your mouth, he put his knee in the middle of your leg, causing a perfect pressure for the friction you needed from the heated kiss you gave on the mountain, you shook your hip, he moaned in your mouth. His cock was already hard and arching.

Going down kisses down your jaw, your fingers pulling his hair.

"I won't be able to wait until after work for this," you murmured.

"I was hope not" he said in his skin.

He could feel your need by rubbing your hip on his leg. Fuck, he wanted to feel you, sink into you, he thought about it so much for so long, that it was the realization of a fucking dream, kiss your beautiful mouth and have your perfect body like that for him.

His hands slid up your ass, pulling your body to him, you moaned. Your hands pushed his coat to the ground, desperately unbuttoning his shirt.

He pulled you up, so that you were on his lap, your legs crossed his waist, his hands on your ass holding you.

"Where is the room, babe?" He asked panting.

"Third door on the left"

He walked with you in his arms, while you kissed messy, you pushed your coat to the floor along the corridor. Cursing the - now - exaggerated amount of clothes. Joel put you on the floor, helping you undo the buttons on his shirt. Pulling his blouses by his arms, you undoed his belt, the button of his pants, he pulled the last shirt he wore by his body.

God! He was beautiful, so hot. You kissed the firm skin of his chest, he pulled your last blouse by your arm, and almost whimpered when he saw your naked breasts for him - you were not a fan of bras - your nipple was hardened, your skin goosebumps.

“Fuck, you're more beautiful than I could imagine," he murmurs, pushing you to bed.

His hands deliciously squeeze the soft skin of your breasts, he goes down a path of kisses through your collarbone, slipping his lips through your skin, until he finds your nipple, he gently passes his tongue through him, while the other hand squeezed your other breast, your silky skin against his big, calloused and warm hands, his mouth closes over your nipple, sucking you there.

You can't contain the moan that rises from the bottom of your chest, arching with the feeling of his mouth on your body. He slides his mouth to the other chest, doing the same to him. Your hands get tangled in his hair.

He slides his lips down your belly, deposits a kiss just below your navel.

"Are you sure of that?" He pauses, looking at you.

“Yes, Joel”

He kisses your belly once again and pulls the jeans by the legs.

Your panties had a shamefully damp spot.

"Fuck, babe" he slid his finger over hot and wet fabric "are you needy for me all day?"

"From the moment you suggested leaving" you were panting. "You are a bad man"

He smiles.

"I'm going to reward you"

You smiled. Breathing stuttering.

Joel hooked his fingers pulling your panties, throwing somewhere lost on the floor, crawling to the middle of your legs. He put a leg on each shoulder, it took him a second to appreciate the image of your pussy in front of him, you felt his warm breath approaching you, until he pressed a kiss on your clit. Your breathing trembles with the sensation.

He ran his tongue painfully from wandering from your hole to your clitoris.

“Tastes so fucking good..."

You moaned and he sank his tongue in your heat, moaning too, without avoiding the good taste you had, his hand passed by you, reaching your clitoris, your back arching for him.

He was literally eating your pussy, devouring you while you moaned arching at his touch, you were dripping, more and more wet while his tongue worked on you in a way you didn't even know was possible. He sank a finger inside you, feeling you contract as he stretched you, your breathing getting more and more panting, your hands ran to his hair. He bent his finger inside you, making you choke on the perfect feeling, pressing your clit more, you arched and undone around it, with a strangled moan, pushing deeper into you. He smiled, as he felt your body collapsing with pleasure for him.

He dragged his lips through your body, the wet and shiny beard, you were out of breath. He separated just enough to look at you, your hands were around his face.

"You're still sure..."

You pulled his face to yourself, kissing him, tasting you on his tongue. Your hands went down to push his jeans. He got up to take off the rest of his pants and underwear.

And, it was almost impossible for your to get better, but you had, he had a gloriously perfect cock, leaking from his swollen, big and thick head.

He knelt in the middle of your legs, taking his hands in your middle gathering your wet, passing over his length. Joel lowered his cock so that his head was in your hot and wet entrance, lay down on you, his body warm and heavy.

"Tell me if it hurts, and we'll stop, ok?"

You nodded.

***

He rested his forehead on yours, closing his eyes trying to focus on something other than your soft and naked body for him, something other than your incredibly hot pussy in which he was about to sink.

You passed your hands through his hair.

He pressed the head of his cock, and only then your pussy already clung to him tight. He pushed slowly inside you, little by little, giving you time to get used to him, desperately trying to focus on anything else, but your hands slid down his back pulling him against you, it was amazing. God! You feel so damn good.

He knew, he imagined it would be amazing, you were equally amazing, your beauty, your skin, your smile, he did not contain the grunt you made when you felt your hips meet and know that it was totally inside you. You clung to it, squeezing it, so hot and soft. The volume of your breasts below it, your body. Your mouth. You licked his lips.

It had been a long time since Joel felt this way, you fell so good, the feeling was painfully too hot, he could never dream of something as good as you taking him totally, deep in your wet heat.

"Fuck" you gasped in his ears “you feel… oh my God”

He felt you, every part of you, every muscle contracting, the weight of your breathing, your arms moving as if you wanted to touch most of it you could.

“I know, sweetheart” he kissed you while he was deep inside you. Starting to move, your hip moved to meet him, you moaned in his mouth “You taking me so well”

Joel was slow, he couldn't press too much, he would cum too fast. He took his time, savoring every part of you, every kiss, and every movement he made, listening to the beautiful sounds you exhaled through him.

When his cock was painfully tight on you, he moved faster, more urgent, your fingers stuck in his skin, your legs intertwined his back, he knew you wouldn't last much longer, your walls squeezing around his cock. Your breathing stuttering.

"I won't last much longer..." he murmured on your shoulders "where...?"

"Inside me..."

He growled. While fucking you harder, faster, sinking deep inside you, your body faltered, with involuntary spasms, Joel held your body against his.

"Fuck, that’s it, cum for me" he said, feeling your walls pulsing around him “c’mon babe, that’s it”

He can't stand it, falling apart inside your heat, pulsing inside you. Your hands pressed his back causing him to somehow sink deeper into you. He moaned on your shoulder, feeling his fucking leaking from you, through his balls, on your leg.

His body collapsed on top of you, you kissed his shoulder, his neck. After his breaths stabilized, he raised his head to kiss you, soft, affectionate. He moved so you could lie down and bring you to lie on his chest.

"You're amazing" he said, moving your hair away from your back.

"And, you wouldn't ask me out, like, never"

He smiled.

"I think you need to reward me for lost time"

He looked at you. Smiling satisfied.

"I can start with today, after your work"

You snapped your eyes, you were going to get up quickly, but he held you.

"You can be a few minutes late"

You snuggled up on his skin.

“Sweetheart?”

“Mhmm?”

“When you said I eliminated all the competition, were you serious?”

You looked at him smiling.

“It’s not like there’s a line of men at the door of my house, but, yeah, I was serious, I mean, I’m not crazy not to take advantage of you”

He kissed the top of your head.

“You are a dangerous woman”

"Yeah?..." you bit your lips.

He pulled his leg to be on top of his.

"Yeah" He said quietly, knitting his eyebrows.

You kissed the skin of his chest, he slid his hands down your spine. Your arm grabbed his waist, his fingers caressed your arms.

“You’d better get ready, because if you’re willing, I intend to be the last man of your life”

Maybe you missed your work on this day.

[yourdeepestfathoms]

hiii !!!! I've been LOVING your yaelokre headcannons since I joined the fandom :)) if I may, I'd like to share two requests I have for them !!

× the larks first show

× the larks and cooking

They're very few, but it's been lingering in my mind for quite a while !! Absolutely no pressure tho :))

hi! i’m glad you’re enjoying the hcs! 🥰

yeah, i can do those!

The Lark’s First Show

It was a mess beforehand.

Cole was basically pulling out their hair and making a nest, pacing back and forth, stressing over every little detail- “What if my voice cracks? What if I forget every lyric? What if I drop my instrument? WHAT IF I PEE MY PANTS ONSTAGE?!”

“Okay, you need to calm down,” Perrine said.

“Calm down? CALM DOWN?! How can I possibly CALM DOWN when we’re about to do the biggest thing any of us have ever done before?!” Cole squawked back. “How are YOU so calm?!”

“Oh, she’s not!” Kingsley piped up. “She’s shaking! I also heard her giving herself a pep talk beforehand we got here!”

“KINGSLEY!” Perrine yawped.

Clémentine had to step in from there. They were almost eerily calm, with a serene smile on their face. It was daunting. Even though Cole’s anxiety was blowing things a bit out of proportion, they were right- this was a huge event for all of them.

And yet, Clémentine was calm.

Cole, bewildered, asked them how that can be possible.

Laughing, Clémentine responded, “Oh, I am nervous! Very much so! Look at my hands, they’re shaking! But freaking out won’t do anything but make it worse.”

They then get the others to do some breathing exercises, and as silly as they were, it helped.

“We’re gonna do amazing. We’ll make the Harkers proud.”

And they did!

It was a bit of a rocky start- Cole’s voice did crack, but no peeing of the pants happened, so that was good! And there were a few slip ups, but as the performance went on, they all found their rhythm, and it proceeded smoothly!

Getting a standing ovation at the end was like a dream come true. (They all cried)

The Lark and Cooking

Perrine does most of the cooking for the group. She has a few cookbooks that she uses! I feel like the kids would have their own garden to grow fruits and vegetables, so she would get most ingredients from there, but for meats, she’ll fish and hunt.

When it comes to hunting, none of the others want to even TRY. Cole will cry if they have to kill an animal, Clémentine feels too bad, and Kingsley simply isn’t trusted with a weapon. Fishing, however, is different, and they all like having fishing days! Even if Kingsley does get bored after a few minutes.

Perrine doesn’t even necessarily like hunting herself, but it needs to be done. I feel like they don’t get paid that much for their performances, if they get paid at all, so it’s easier to live off the land, and that means hunting. Money needs to be saved for things like medicine, clothing, and things they can’t get from foraging. So, it’s Perrine who bites her tongue and goes out to hunt.

This is getting off topic, but I have more hunting-related headcanons, so if anyone is interested, let me know!

Anyway, yeah, Perrine does most of the cooking, and she’s very good at it! It relaxes her.

Clémentine also helps cook, and they’re also good! However, they don’t like handling meat because they always worry that they’re gonna undercook it, and the last thing anyone needs is all four of them getting food poisoning at the same time in their little house.

They’re very good at baking, though! They LOVE to make all kinds of baked goods, such as cookies or cakes or little pastries with berry filling. Everyone loves their treats!

Cole can do the bare bones cooking- soup and sandwiches. Everything beyond that somehow always gets messed up, whether that be because they added too much or too little of something or they forgot to grease the pan and the food is sticking to the bottom of it.

However, they love to bake with Clémentine! They can make a few baked goods on their own, but those are all recipes they’ve learned from watching Clémentine.

They also make really good tea!

Kingsley is not allowed near the stove.

[piyo13sdoodles]

day 28, chapter 76:

At the expression on Quintus' face Cliopher could take no more. He started laughing before he made it out of the room, though the loudest whoops came after he'd reached the hallway. He did not get far along, just sank down at the top of the stairs so he could try to muffle his mirth with his hands. ~ "Your family seems somewhat perturbed," Rhodin observed after a few minutes.

and bonus gallery shot + musings under the cut because it's been exactly 4 weeks now:

fun to see what kinds of patterns intentionally or unintentionally crop up... or also which days i can tell i was busy vs which days i had time or worked in advance to dedicate more time to the piece. if anyone's curious, on average one of these might take me 2-3 hours to complete! more detailed ones like october 23 i think probably took me closer to 5 hours, simpler ones like october 9 maybe 1.5h.

i am both sad and glad it's almost over--i've definitely lost a fair amount of sleep trying to get these done in time (usually i work a day ahead so i can post at a reasonable time, but that hasn't always worked out, especially in the final stretch here), so this pace does become untenable on top of work, but it also is really fun to make so much art! and to always have something to work on rather than becoming trapped into that idea of 'what should i do, too many choices, can't decide..' the answer is always inktober!

in any case, seeing the gallery like this is also interesting to me because it really helps me realize where i could have/should have pushed the ink a bit more--working in ink is (to me; this is definitely not gospel, just how i consider ink work) an exercise in controlling contrast. you don't have colour to drive edges or cool/warm tones, so the only value you have is the light-dark contrast, and in my mind at least, good use of contrast should carry across to a smaller format. for example, zoomed out like this i can see that october 11th really needed more contrast in the feathers--they blend too much into the background in a way that doesn't really work to emphasize that ludvic is standing in front of the candles there. otoh, on october 5, i think that one's fine because what i wanted was for the moon to draw the eye first, and THEN for you to notice HR sitting there.

overall, also, i want to keep these interesting--if the compositions are always the same, then it can become repetitive or boring, so i wanted a good mix of light and dark compositions, and a good balance of tone across all of them. which so far i'm pleased with! and this year i let myself use pencil undersketches and do thumbnail planning and everything (last year i really wanted to get better at visualizing the piece in my head so i set the challenge of just committing straight to paper... i'm still happy with last year's but you can tell i took on much more challenging compositions this year lol)

anyway!! much to think about, so much to learn, i wanted to work a bit in advance again so i won't be putting tomorrow's up almost at midnight again but alas i think it was not meant to be, so i'm off to bed and if you read this whole thing, congrats, have a cookie *hands you a cookie*

[extra-stout-stories]

(In response to this ask for "a short story about a feedee becoming increasingly out of shape as they gain.")

I can't believe I've done this to myself.

I always wanted to lose weight. At least I thought I did. For as long as I can remember, I've been fat. And the world has never been kind to fat people.

Okay, there was a part of me that secretly liked it. A part of me that didn't mind the stares and the insults and the teasing. A part of me that even got a little excited by the thought that I was the biggest person in gym class, so soft and heavy that just a single lap on the track would leave me breathless and bright red. After all, my favorite hobbies were all sedentary ones. And I loved food. It's no wonder I was fat. It's no wonder I was fat and soft and out of shape, when my favorite thing to do on a Friday evening was beach myself in front of my computer with a six-pack of soda, a large pizza and a bag of candy.

But I did what I was supposed to do. I ran and stretched and lifted and sweated. I counted calories and tried to resist the things I knew I wasn't supposed to eat.

I did these things, but they never took. Exercise was so boring and uncomfortable. Sticking to a routine was so difficult. And there were so many foods to try… I could "waste" an entire week's work in the gym in a meal or two, if I let myself eat the things I really wanted. Maybe I'd lose five or ten pounds here and there. Maybe once every few years I'd manage to drop twenty or thirty. But they always came back, and more pounds came with them.

And I secretly liked that, too.

When everyday tasks started getting difficult, I took that as a sign that I needed to turn my life around. I shouldn't be getting winded tying my shoes, I thought. I just have to lose a little of this belly. As usual, I managed to do it, to keep up with a diet and a gym routine… for a few weeks.

But that secret voice kept calling to me. Heaving myself up from my armchair, stuffed and breathless from a routine of meals and snacks that started around lunchtime and didn't stop until my last snack before bedtime, I couldn't help wondering: how would it feel if I gained more? What if my belly were just a little bigger?

With no other responsibilities, I started to arrange my life around my nightly binges. Exercise and diets became a thing of the past, for good this time. Sometimes I'd struggle to do something that used to come easily, a bend or a reach or an attempt to fit somewhere, a walk that used to feel effortless, and get scared that I had gone too far. But then I'd lean back and heft my belly and feel how gigantically soft and heavy it was growing. I can't believe I've done this to myself. I can't believe I've done this to myself… and I love it.

And that's where you come in.

With remote work, I can spend all day at home. With you moving in with me, I can spend all day at home and never have to get up at all. You tell me I don't need to. In fact, you insist on it. And on the rare occasions I do, for a short waddle to the bathroom or the bedroom or a trip to the fridge, you love to watch how difficult it is for me.

I love it too. Feeling my face get flushed and red, feeling the sweat trickling down my forehead, feeling the sheer effort it takes to heft one gigantic thigh past another, pushing my enormous belly with every step… feeling your eyes on me, my face flushes even further, and it's not just from the exertion. When I look over at you and see your eyes shining with lust and excitement for how big I've grown, I reach down my belly as far as I can, grab a billowing fold of flesh, jiggle and squeeze. And I smile.

I'm never going back to the gym. How could I, when I can barely leave the house?

[aaronhotchswife]

By the dimed lights

Aaron Hotcher x Female Reader

Hi guys ! I'm sorry for the long waiting for this fic. I had (and still have) to deal with a lot of stressing things. I don't feel really well mentally lately but I'll try to get better. I hope you enjoy this little fic. I'm apologizing in advance if it's not the best fic I've ever written, I can't do better than that these days 💓

Summary : when you can't sleep because of a case, you go for a midnight swim where you find Aaron.

Warnings : unprotected pool sex, mentions of classic cm stuff, not really a elaborated plot, public sex

With no new leads and clues, Hotch has decided to let the team go back to the hotel earlier than usual to catch some sleep. You've been in bed since 10 pm, trying to get most of the sleep you could get. This case was exhausting and it wasn't ready to end. Tossing and turning, counting the sheeps, nothing could put you to sleep. All you could think about was the case and how it didn't make any sense. You look at your phone, seeing 00:00 am and decided to read a book that you brought with you, hoping that it would put you so sleep. You mind was running 100 mph and even reading couldn't help. But the hotel had a pool and maybe swimming and doing some exercises will drive you to sleep. So you put your swimsuit and walked to the pool where you start doing laps.

"Couldn't sleep either ?" a voice ask in the back.

Getting your head out of the water, you turned around to see your boss in his swim trunks with a towel in his hands. The dark lightning of the pool is enough for you to see his dark blue shorts but not enough for him to see your cheeks getting red.

"Hotch!" you responded suprised, covering the left naked skin of your breast with your arms. "I couldn't sleep. Too much on my mind. What are you doing here ?"

He sat on the edge of the pool, while you swam to him, positioning your arms next to his legs.

"Same thing."

"Something's wrong with the profil." you said, your eyes rising to look at him.

"I know." he sighed, looking down at you. He looked done and exhausted.

Using the walls of the pool, you pushed yourself towards the water to swim away from him before speaking again.

"It's impossible that the unsub dismember his victims in a city and drive across the country to kill again. He can't possibly do that alone...Hotch, what if there's 2 unsubs ?"

Aaron left his place on the edge and swam in your direction, agreeing with what you just said.

"It could be possible. It's the only thing that makes sense honestly...I mean he can't possibly kill someone here, and then be miles away in just a day."

"We should check that more seriously tomorrow." you let out.

"We should."

He's so close to you now, the features of his face softly illuminated by the dimed lights. While he's looking away, you dared looking at him, at his eyes, his cheeks, the way his nose is made. You let yourself check out his lips and the way his shoulders are slowly rising up and down from his calm breathing. As if he knew you were watching him, Aaron gaze turned to meet yours, a small smile on his lips.

He settle in front of you, making your back touch the wall of the pool, his hand reaching a stray of your hair to replace them behind your ear. You follow his fingers, your eyes reaching his once again.

"You look so hot soaking wet." he murmured in your ear. His fingers grazed your cheek to your neck making your eyes closed and your head fall back. His fingers traced their way to your neck, your breast, while his mouth found your jaw, leaving little kisses before your lips meet. It's the most breathtaking kiss you ever had and in that moment, nothing is important. You can feel the need and desperation as you both move your lips together.

A moan involuntary leaves your mouth, the sweet sound making Aaron's body shift. You feel his body tensed, the kiss growing stronger and his hands tucking your face harder. Your hands reach for his swim shorts, so eagerly as if your body's been possessed and by the way Aaron's lips move on yours, you don't have to think about what possessed you. His lips leave yours the moment your hand starts massaging his cock, his head falls back while he murmured a small "fuck".

His hands reach for the top of your swimsuit, slowly pulling on the cords to make it fall in the water. His fingers grazed your nipples, tugging gently on them, making you press your body on him.

"Good girl." he murmured, his lips finding a spot under your ear.

"Please sir, please fuck me." you begged, your mind still running 100 mph but for a different reason now.

"Anything my good girl desires." he praises, and with that, his fingers found the bottom of your swimsuit, pushing then on the side before one of his fingers found it way to your folds. You groaned, taking his jaw in your hand to press your lips on his again.

When he thinks that your slicked enough, you can feel his tip between your folds. He's pushing it slowly, letting you get used to his dick.

"If you knew how many times I thought of me inside of you like that. So tight for me, sweet girl."

If fucking your hot boss in a hotel pool was hot enough to make your stomach flutters, him saying things like that was something else. With each thrust, a moan was escaping your mouth. Aaron's hand made his way to your mouth, his lips murmuring.

"I’m fucking you so good that you have to keep quiet or you'll wake up the hotel. Wouldn't want the team to know that your boss is fucking you ?"

With that sentence, your pussy clenched,

"Or maybe that's what turns you on, being seen."

Another moan.

"Such a dirty girl."

"Fuck Aaron. Please."

"Please what, sweetheart ?"

"Please, let me come."

One of his hand found your clit, rubbing little circles on it. You can feel the knot in your stomach growing stronger, and Aaron must have felt it because he started leaving little kiss from your neck to your cheeks, to your forehead.

"Let it go. Come for me baby."

[autistic-duck]

It really sucks when you realize that a survivor's mentality is not a sustainable model for working full-time.

I can't go into every day thinking, “Oh, if the bathroom is occupied during lunch then I'll just wait to pee when I get home” because that is survival. I'm just surviving until I can get to a safe time and place. I am literally holding in pee for eight hours straight, feeling more and more pain because I can't figure out a better time to go to the bathroom.

I can't keep doing that.

Every day, it becomes, “If you can just sit still for a couple more hours, you'll get to move a little bit.”

Or, “if you can just hold in the tears until you can sneak into an empty room, you'll be able to make it through the day without anyone knowing you're upset.”

(Click “keep reading” to hear a more detailed explanation)

I started work this week, and I had completely forgotten just how awful it is to try and exist in a way that doesn't seem off-putting (or scary) to other people.

I had to do two eight-hour blocks of time alone away from home, which I hadn't done since high school, and I'm already realizing that my old methods no longer work.

I legitimately can't mask the entire day anymore. I can feel my joints groaning under the stress. My cells are feverish with the desire to stim. My mind is slowly melting under the fluorescent lights. The voices, the droning voices of professionals, buzz in my head and make no sense. I take notes, but the words look like no language I've ever spoken.

I can't keep pretending to understand what's going on.

But I'm also new to telling people that I'm disabled. The only people who know are immediate family and friends and the psychology clinic that diagnosed me. I want to be proud and confident, to just ask for and demand help, but I can't imagine anyone actually believing me. Nobody helps me when I ask for something because they decide it isn't important.

My sensory issues aren't “bad enough.” My social struggles are just “excuses to be rude.” My stimming is “attention seeking.”

Why did I choose education as the field to go into? I'm not cut out for this new “customer service” teacher mentality. I have to have good interactions with everyone all the time? Just so parents want to send their kids to our schools? How is that even possible? I have a hard time smiling at people who are nice to me, so how do you expect me to smile when someone is yelling at me for failing their student because they didn't turn in their work?

The education system is broken, and I'm just one disabled person who is just now realizing that their disability might actually stop them from keeping their dream job.

How do you advocate for yourself when you grew up thinking that self-advocacy was selfish and evil?

I literally just realized that I can't eat food or respond to greetings if I'm stressed. Showering used to make me feel relaxed before bed, and now it's the only thing preventing me from crying right before sleeping.

I want to learn Spanish, write in my journal, cook healthy meals, exercise in the morning, drink plenty of water, sleep comfortably at night, and spend time with friends who don't make me feel guilty for existing. I want to be able to go to the bathroom whenever I need to. Why does that feel impossible now?

If anyone has experience with advocating for a disability, especially high-functioning and heavily masked autism, I'd really like advice. Who do I talk to? What do I ask for? How do I explain my struggles and keep a job?

[stuffing-seattle]

I've been skinny and self concious about my own weight forever, but I always have this underlying desire to let go a little, just see what it's like to indulge. Doing it for someone would make things easier and being fed/encouraged would also make things easier I feel. Tell me, if I had told you about this and later down the track we went to an all you can eat buffet, would you give me a taste of what it's like? and how would it go, owo ~?? how would you make my itty-bitties pale in comparison to my midriff? tell me everything, would degrade me/embarass me in public??

Sorry it took me so long to answer this one. I wanted to give this ask the attention it deserved. So, let’s start from the beginning shall we? Buffet dates are one of my hottest fantasies, so unfortunately for your tiny little belly, there would be no holding back. First we would have to agree on two safe words. For the purpose of this story let’s say they are “salad” and “exercise”, two concepts that would never cross the mind of a soon-to-be fatty like you. We need two because the first means “Please my tummy hurts and I need to stop.” The second means, “If I have one more bite, all of that delicious food is going to end up back on this table.” See the thing to know about skinny Feedees, is that you can always go past where you think your limit is. Your untrained little belly just doesn’t know what that feeling is. Before the date, I would have you buy a blouse that was one size too small for you. Then I would sit you down at the table, and bring you plate after plate of hearty food. A thin little thing like you would probably only be able to get through 3 plates with the right encouragement. At the end of plate one your breathing is labored. At the end of plate two your rounded tum is straining by at the buttons of your top and desperately trying to claw its way out. You obediently finish the third plate, but you slump back in your booth, with a distended tummy you didn’t think you were capable of. Through labored breaths, you manage to spit out the word “salad”. Your blouse buttons are holding on as hard as they can at this point, and the taut flesh of your belly seeps through at every available hole, begging to be free. I’m proud of you for what you have gotten through, but I know you can have more. This time, I don’t return with food, but instead, three cups of soda. I sit in the booth next to you, and use one hand to slowly massage your aching belly. I can hear it groan and gurgle and protest from where I’m sitting. When i touch it I can feel it quiver and shudder through the fabric as it wrestles with its banquet. I take the first cup of soda and hold it to your lips. You drink like the good pig you are, and slowly, very slowly, all the liquid enters your angry belly. As soon as you finish the first, I raise the second. You gulp it down again. Same with the third. As soon as the final drop sloshes into you tummy, a glazed look comes over your eyes. All the carbonated liquid was too much for your blouse, and finally, all the buttons snap free allowing you exposed belly to lurch forward with and audible slosh. The violent movement is instantly followed quickly by a look of panic in your eyes. Before you can raise your hands to cover your mouth, you let out a tremendous *BEEEEELLLLLCCCCHHHH* that leaves you winded and panting, and all the other customers in a ten foot radius looking at you in surprise. I’m sure none of them thought a pig of your size could make such a sound. You are beyond caring though, as you fight the the urge to fall asleep as you also fight the food to keep it where it belongs. “Exer-*orp*-ah, ex-*bep*-oh fuck. Exercise.” You manage to stammer out between burp attacks, almost as if your body is fighting you not to say it. Now we are done, and I have to put one of your arms around my shoulders to hoist you up and help you to the car as your other arm cradles your distended belly that sloshes and roars with every step. Everyone in the restaurant is looking at us- no- at you, and your grossly distended belly in awe and shock.

Hope that scratched the itch you were looking for and was worth the wait. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to masturbate and cum like a fire truck. Jump in my DMs if you’d like to help 😘😘

[starwell-tarot]

How are stans of different Xdinary heroes members like? A tarot reading ✨

Hello villains! And welcome to this tarot reading/ social experiment. This is the Xdinary Heroes version of the reading 'how are stans of different members like". You can find the Stray Kids and Ateez versions in my Masterlist!

Requested by @oraclekleo

For this reading, I have asked my cards three questions per member:

What are the stans of the member like in general?

What do stans of the member all have in common?

What about the member's personality attracts his stans to stan him?

And then you guys let me know if I have read your energy correctly and if you resonate with the reading!

I must say this is probably the most fun I've had with this specific kind of reading before. It was a rollercoaster of different personality types and I truly enjoyed it! Some were really cute and emotional and some were downright hilarious :))

Disclaimer: This is for fun purposes only and should be treated as such. Tarot can absolutely be wrong.

TW: mentions of anxiety. struggles and insecurities (and my sense of humor should also be included in the warnings lmao)

Gunil stans: The ones who shine in the dark

How are Gunil stans like in general? //  Justice XI

Gunil stans are people that have already went through somewhat of a transformation in their life. They've done some self healing, some self growth exercises, they've already searched their past for the lessons they were meant to learn. They might come off as seasoned people, wise, strong, confident, patient and self compassionate. They are responsible and trustworthy, for they believe in fair play, and practice teamwork with true kindness in their hearts.

What do Gunil stans have in common? // VII of Swords, V of Pentacles

Gunil stans were stuck for a very long time with the wrong people. Maybe it's cliche to say, but Gunil stans are different. There's something different in their step, in their smile, in their words, in their actions, doesn't matter. Something is just different about them. And it wasn't seen well by others, so they might have been outcasted or felt misplaced for a long time. But once they're allied with the right people, they become an unstoppable force. Their minds are quick and crafty - they really know how to think outside the box - and their ideas are a spark of genius. Clever, sly and with an adventurous craziness to them, Gunil stans will prove everyone their path is just as valid as everyone else's, even if it is different.

What about Gunil's personality attracts Gunil stans to bias him? // IX of Cups R

It seems Gunil stans feel emotionally soothed by Gunil. Maybe it is his confidence, his bravery to take pride in who he is, his persistence, and the fact that he knows he deserves good things; these could be reasons why - to Gunil stans who might struggle with being able to define their own worth without the need of external validation - he might be a breath of fresh air. Or perhaps he's the right motivation, the role model people needed in order to realize their true potential and start being more thankful and loving to themselves.

Gunil stans might have prominent Libra, Aquarius, Taurus, Pisces placements in their natal chart.

Jungsu stans: The angels

How are Jungsu stans like in general? //   The Sun XIX

Jungsu stans have a very warm and healing presence. They are kind and highly empathetic, reliable and extremely loved by their peers. (As they should be!) They love to take care of people's feelings, so that not only they can solve their problems, but also move on with a healthy heart. Gentle, considerate, supportive beings, they elevate the lives of all their peers. They shine the brightest, when they wear a smile on their faces, when they laugh with geniunity, and when their heart is bursting at the seams with kind love.

What do Jungsu stans have in common? // V of Pentacles R

Despite the bright exterior and the seemingly endless well of love they carry, Jungsu stans have gone/ are going through a lot more than meets the eye. There were moments when they were so hurt, so insecure, so stuck, even taking baby steps in life felt exhausting. But most likely on their own, they got back on their feet again. They are brave, resilient soldiers who always, somehow magically, can overcome and heal anything. One thing's for sure, there's a lot more to them than meets the eye, especially when it comes to life experience and wisdom (which then they use to elevate others!). Jungsu stans are very emotionally developed.

What about Jungsu's personality attracts Jungsu stans to bias him? // IV of Swords

For his fans, Jungsu time is healing time. His presence is very comforting to them, like finally coming home, to peace and quietness. His energy, his healing power, it is a crucial part of his fans' process of comfort and relaxation, and he gets them through the toughest of times. (Literally: emotional support human.)

Jungsu stans might have prominent Leo, Taurus and Libra  placements in their natal chart.

I'm not kidding when I say this, this was so sweet I almost cried. Jungsu is such an angel

Gaon stans: The wild hearts

How are Gaon stans like in general? //  The Star XVII

Gaon stans are quite the non-judgemental and open-minded bunch. They embrace uniqueness and eccentricity and live a life aspiring towards being original and free-spirited. They are friendly and carry a gentle sensitivity, that leads them to be very aware of the happiness of their peers. They probably show how much they care through humor, making people laugh or acting aloof.

What do Gaon stans have in common? // X of Wands R

Despite their goofy appearance, Gaon stans actually care way too much about things, they are in no way as carefree as they appear. They are so caring, and so selfless in fact, that it almost becomes detrimental to themselves and they need to learn how to put themselves first more often. But alas, they are extremely loyal and ride or die, would take a bullet for their peers any day.

What about Gaon's personality attracts Gaon stans to bias him? // Temperance XIV

Gaon stans feels as though Gaon somewhat completes them. Maybe he's the yin to their yang, or maybe they're so similar they can just melt into one singular energy. In any case, they feel in harmony with Gaon, like they can be themselves around him. (Read as: they vibe with Gaon really well.) I also heard "he's my spirit animal."

Just to let you know, I am laughing so hard right now this is so funny

Gaon stans might have prominent Aquarius and Sagittarius placements in their natal chart.

O.de stans: The little gremlins 😛

How are Seungmin stans like in general? //  The Star XVII, V of Wands

Seungmin stans have a certain duality about them. They are both the kindest, most giving and generous beings on earth, but they also eat chaos on toast in the morning. They love helping people and solving conflict, maintaining the peace, but they don't waste a moment getting competitive or going to war for something they believe in. This paradoxical, complex personality might leave some dumbfounded, but it is also a their biggest source of charm.

What do Seungmin stans have in common? // King of Wands R, The Devil XV

As previously stated, Seungmin stans have many sides and a certain complexity, however one of those sides is definitely being playful. Seugmin stans are quite the little devils, they love teasing people, pushing their buttons and playing around with them (harmlessly of course!). Life with a Seungmin stan will never be boring, as much as it won't be peaceful either 😂

What about Seungmin's personality attracts Seungmin stans to bias him? // X of Wands R

Seugmin is the ideal type of many of his stans. Or perhaps, he's taught some of his fans what their ideal even looks like. But wether they knew what they wanted or discovered it through Seungmin, it is clear he holds some sort of ideal. (I mean, he is kind, caring, funny, fashionable, and he can cook? I don't blame you. He can have the perfect boyfriend award.)

Seungmin stans might have prominent fire placements or Capricorn/ Aquarius/ Pisces in their natal chart.

Junhan stans: The otherworldly ones

How are Junhan stans like in general? // The Hanged Woman XII R

Junhan stans are quite rebellious and they don't like the norm. Normal is boring, they seek the things that break the rules and bring more excitement and eccentricity into this society. They appreciate the art of thinking outside the box, finding loopholes and unpopular opinions. They won't be caught following the masses as they think independently.

What do Junhan stans have in common? // II of Swords R

Junhan stans have often felt at crossroads with other people. Like they're surrounded by the wrong people, like they are misunderstood or that they're just build different than everyone else. Perhaps they struggled a lot to escape their outcast reputation.

What about Junghan's personality attracts Junhan stans to bias him? // VII of Wands R

This reading was very interesting. I could feel from the hanged woman and the two of swords that this energy was looking specifically for an energy like Junhan's because of feeling misunderstood and stuck in the wrong place, and they were searching for liberation, aka someone who can finally understand them. I feel there's a heavy emotional connection here 😊 So, as stated before, to Junhan fans, getting to know him was somewhat of an Eureka! moment. An, ah (sigh) finally. Junhan makes it feel okay to be different. He gives strength and courage to his fans as much as the needed comfort. They can finally stop the foolish pretending society "needs" and just be themselves <3

Junhan stans might have prominent Leo, Libra or Pisces placements in their natal chart.

Jooyeon stans: The Fierce Goofballs

How are Jooyeon stans like in general? // II of Cups R, VI of Cups

Jooyeon stans are lovable little goofballs. They're cute and somewhat childish (in a good way) and people seem to quickly adore them. They might also get attached easily, too, or be the types to become inseparable from their friends. They love playing around and enjoying their life as if they are a toddler all over again, and make amazing friends to be around.

What do Jooyeon stans have in common? // The Emperor IV

At first, I interpreted this as stubbornness. Jooyeon stans might be quite fierce to deal with! Rawr 😂 But then I also saw something on the idea of confidence or cockyness. Perhaps their attitude is also full of cocky charm 😁

What about Jooyeon's personality attracts Jooyeon stans to bias him? // King of Swords R, Wheel of Fortune X R

From what I can see here, for many the attraction might have happened before even getting to his personality. People seem to stumble upon him out of sheer luck, and then he begins to have some sort of power over them. Wether it is his voice, his skills, his looks (or his eyes?) he seems to magnetize people in. When it comes to personality though, I'm seeing that his ability to be in the calm center of the storm is very appealing to Jooyeon stans. He's very laid back even in the most stressful situations, and this lack of overthinking and go with the flow attitude could be both admirable and comforting to Jooyeon stans.

When it comes to the natal chart of Jooyeon stans, I got into a bit of trouble because I was literally given 8 astrological placements 😂 (which only shows how broadly liked Jooyeon is. ) I'm gonna go on a limb and say the probably would be higher with the cards from the first two questions, that being prominent Cancer, Scorpio and Aries placements. (But just know, Aquarius, Libra, Gemini, Pisces and Sagittarius were also there.)

From what I've gathered it seems when it comes to XH as well, the stans seem to take after the idol!

Once more, please let me know who you stan and if you found this reading accurate! Let's discuss <3

ALSO TIP: If you're an OT6, you'll probably be a mix of all the readings.

If you like this reading, consider donating to me so I can continue doing more readings!

[ndjournal]

Hey there!! I wanted to share an experience I had after reading your excerpt from The Ultimate Truth posted @4dbarbie-archive yesterday. It really resonated with me and it inspired me to want to practice conscious creation instead of letting it happen because of subconscious programming. In particular this part (which is most of the extract lol):

Man was never intended to be a victim of circumstances. He is the controller of them, but has lost awareness of this fact. When he regains his awareness of it, he again becomes the master of circumstances, and consciously controls his environment. Matter, energy, space, and time are in mind. When man realizes this, he has mental control over them and controls them at his will. Man is unconsciously determining the world. When he wakes up to this, he gains conscious control. Creation is just a mental projection.

Lester also said in the Introduction of the book that it is necessary to prove it to yourself and never accept anything completely on hearsay:

A unique characteristic of this Truth is that it must be seen my each one through his own perception. No one and no book can do it for him. Necessary is the proof of Truth, and necessary it is that each one must prove the Truth for himself. Nothing should ever be accepted on hearsay. One should listen to, reflect upon, and then prove. The best attitude one may take would be to not believe nor disbelieve, but to accept Truths for checking. Then, and only then, after one has proven them without a doubt should one accept them. As Truth begins to prove itself, one gains more confidence in it, and then proofs come more easily and more readily; until finally, one perceives the Absolute Truth, — that we are unlimited beings, unlimited in our knowledge, power and joy.

So I've understood non-duality to a certain extent starting my "journey" from when 4dbarbie was still around and it felt like I eventually came to a sort of standstill. I just sort of fell into a lull and didn't feel anything about life in general. I really resonated with the teachings, stopped desiring anything and had let go of a lot of things but still didn't really feel connected to Self entirely (it would come and go). Recently though, I thought about how my life is just a mental projection of subconscious thoughts and how I would rather be able to consciously control it. For background, I've been using energy manipulation to heal my body using my mind and I think that's when I started to truly know that everything is just a projection of the mind (there's a much deeper innate knowing that comes from experiencing it than reading something and accepting it as truth). Then I started thinking back on the things I had "manifested" simply by deciding it to be so. And then I saw your excerpt and it really clicked for me.

To me, consciously controlling your circumstances is a "skill" because we're so used to living in limitation, it can take some time and development in order to remove those illusions of limitation (of course, it needn't take time, it depends on the individual!). I know in some LOA blogs, they call it intention setting so it's within the same vein imo. Anyway, after reading that extract and reading some of the book, I decided I wanted to practice conscious creation and strengthen this innate ability in order to connect me closer to the understanding and knowing that I am an infinite limitless being. Lester said "Matter, energy, space, and time are in mind." so I want to test all these although less so energy manipulation as I have already done this in numerous ways already. To me this was easier than the others but I now recognize that is a concept of limitation that doesn't need to be so as they are all equally mental projections. And I am not doing this to "get" any desires since I don't have any anymore, I am only doing it to remember the real me and exercise my innate natural ability of conscious creation and also "prove" it to myself through experience that I am limitless as Lester teaches.

I will give one example of "success" since I started last night! There's too much background history that I won't go over but basically this friend of mine stopped messaging me a few weeks ago and this had been a repeating cycle for a few years and it used to trigger me so much. Through being on this path, I let go of caring about it or wanting things to be different. But last night I decided to use this case scenario as a test subject for practicing conscious creation because I know I used to have a lot of mental resistance and triggers when it came to this person and if I really did succeed, it would truly be proof to me that this was purely a result of my conscious creation and not anything else.

So I decided in my mind that this friend would message me on instagram, I decided I didn't care if it was a text message or sharing a reel (though he normally sent reels so that would be most likely). I could still feel uncertainty over this after deciding so I decided it would happen the next day (today) in order for the test results to be more verifiable as not having a deadline could mean he could message me next year lol, too vague. I briefly saw it in my mind's eye the message but didn't dwell on it after, I just decided it would happen. Aaaanyway, I opened my IG messages earlier and GUESS WHO MESSAGED ME WITH A REEL!! I just laughed and got so excited, not because of receiving the message itself (since I let go of desiring anything from him long ago) but because of the proof it represented of my conscious creation! I want to emphasize this distinction because I had tried to "manifest" a text from him in the same way so many times before (because it's been a repeating cycle for so long lol) but it also came from a desire and attachment for the message itself (and connection with the person), while this time there was none of that but was from a non-attached perspective of just experimenting and testing my ability and wanting to practice and improve it. I want to add that I also had previously used LOA to "reality shift" to a "different reality" where he had messaged me the same day instead of leaving me on read for several weeks through "imagination" (this was way before I learned about non-duality so it was still driven by attachment and desire) but I gotta say this way of simply deciding it to be so is so much easier, simpler and better than having to "live and persist in imagination" lol but to each their own I guess?

So anyway, this is really exciting for me and I am going to continue on this way for fun!

🥳

Thank you for sharing your experience, that's awesome and I'm happy for you! 💖 Keep having fun and feel free to keep us updated on your future experiments!

This is the post anon was talking about. I highly recommend Lester's books for those who haven't read them yet (or have but want a refresher).

Edit: Adding this excerpt from The Ultimate Truth with my highlights

[lazyyogi]

How do you gain self control? Or would it be self discipline? I’ve been struggling with my weight for quite some time now, and I always end up going back to bad eating habits. And how/where do I find motivation? Thank you for your time, namaste.

I don't like the concept of motivation and I don't feel it's very empowering or helpful. When someone wants to do something but they can't bring themselves to do it, we'll say they lack some abstract concept of motivation. It's a very crude perspective with no real insight. Not only are you stuck but you also feel like you are lacking something.

So I'm here to tell you that you are not lacking motivation, or anything at all. The fact that you want to make a change is motivation enough. You're good on the motivation front.

So what's the problem? Resistance. Identify and address all the ways in which you are resisting. Once those obstacles are removed, you're free to move forward. Take exercising for example.

When I wanted to begin exercising regularly, I found it difficult to maintain consistency. I wondered what was wrong with me, that I couldn't muster even a fraction of the motivation that others seem to have. So I examined my behavior and routines. And what I found was interesting.

Firstly, because of my schedule, I knew the only time I had to exercise was when I came home from work. And I realized that if the first thing I did after coming home was anything other than exercising, it became a lot more difficult to then make the decision to exercise.

Secondly, I found that if I hadn't eaten well that day or slept well the night before, I often didn't have the energy to exercise.

Thirdly, if I had to leave my apartment to go somewhere to exercise, there were more opportunities for excuses to skip going.

Fourthly, if I paired my exercise routine with my daily meditation session, I became more consistent both with exercising daily and also meditating daily. Exercising before meditation made me feel more relaxed and focused for the meditation.

And lastly, if I had some particular result I wanted (like muscle abs or bigger biceps or whatever), then my own impatience to see those results made me feel like my efforts were fruitless and useless. This detracted from my enthusiasm to exercise and made me less likely to do so.

Using these observations, I made some changes.

I made a rule that the first thing I would do after getting home from work is exercise and then meditate. I would be extra mindful of not skipping meals at work and making sure I got a decent amount of sleep when possible. I researched and found solid exercise options that could be done from home. And, perhaps most importantly, I emphasized and relished the way my exercise regimen made me feel rather than my physical appearance.

With these changes, I maintained a more empowering attitude and a more consistent pattern in my exercise routine while also enjoying its benefits--more energy, better mood, etc.

However, there were plenty of times that I faltered. After going on vacation for a week, getting sick, or just being too busy, it could be difficult to get back into the rhythm. The way I handled this is by viewing exercise in a way similar to how I view brushing my teeth.

I don't ask myself if I feel like brushing my teeth. It's something I've just accepted as part of human body maintenance. In other words, I regard it as inevitable. That way, the question isn't how to summon the motivation to do something. It's about circumventing whatever forms of resistance we encounter and then surrendering to the inevitability of our practice.

It's also important not to judge and scold yourself for your lapses. Otherwise that makes it all the more difficult to get back into your rhythm. You need to be willing to begin at the beginning, again and again, over and over, day after day. If you're willing to do that, to be a beginner, then no amount of lapsing back into obsolete habits matters. They're just temporary disruptions from which you will inevitably move on.

I think you will find that a lot of this applies to any kind of lifestyle changes we wish to make, including eating. I'm sure there are more specific tips and tricks for dietary modification as well, I'm just no expert on that.

Finally, I do think that daily meditation will be an immense benefit for you. It is a practice that equips us with the ability to experience and process all kind of feelings and emotions--including cravings, desires, and fears.

I hope this helped. Much love!

LY

[blueesnow]

(6/6) Kurusu Syo's Private Story [Utapri Live Emotion]

Ch 1: (unlocked if you reached intimacy lvl 6 with Syo)

-Waterfront Park- Syo: One two, three four, five six, seven eight…! Haruka: Was that…Syo-kun! Hello, were you doing an exercise? Syo: Oh, Haruka! I'm in the middle of training right now. An idol's body is their biggest asset y'know. Syo: Not to mention I also have work that required a lot of physical ability next time so I need to go and build up my strength for now. Haruka: As expected of Syo-kun, you're all ready and set! Syo: What are you talking about, thing like this is quite normal y'know. How about you? Looking at your luggage, were you on your way back from work? Haruka: Yeah, I was just about to go back to the dorm… hm? Syo-kun, it looks like your shoelaces are about to coming undone. Syo: Oh, thanks. …There you go. These sneakers are getting pretty worn out huh. Syo: These one has been my favourite and I've been wearing it for a long time, though I guess it finally reached its limit huh. The heels are also quite worn out too. Haruka: But… just because of that, it's proof that they had been walking on the same path together with Syo-kun, right? Haruka: I'm sure these sneakers are happy to know that you have been loving them for so long. Syo: That's a great way of thinking! Likewise, thank you for always taking care of me, my sneakers. Syo: Alright. I guess I'll finish my training for now and go buy something to carry on this guy's legacy. Haruka: I hope you have another wonderful encounter once again. Syo: Of course! Oh yeah, if you don't mind would you be willing to accompany me to go shopping right now?

Ch 2: (unlocked if you reached intimacy lvl 11 with Syo)

-Waterfront Park- Haruka: Is it okay to go with me…? Syo: Yeah, I'd like to hear your opinions as well. Ah… but if you have other plans feel free to say no, okay? (choices) <I want to go!>Haruka: I'm free right now, so let me go with you! Syo: Is that so, I'm glad. Thank you for lending me your important day off. Syo: After we're done, let's go grab a bite and eat something delicious on our way back home. <If you're okay with me> Haruka: If you're okay with me then it'd be my pleasure. Though I don't know if I might be of help to you… Syo: As long as we're having fun choosing it together, then it's okay. Syo: If I went there all by myself I might get confused and just choose similar things, so having you come with me really helps me out! (back to story) Syo: All right. Let's go back to the dorm first and put our things away, we'll meet by the gate soon okay! -Shopping Mall- Syo: …Oh, there it is! I was wondering if this brand's latest model would be good. Haruka: Oh, it's the brand of Syo-kun's favorite sneakers. Syo: They look so cool~ This one… Oh this one also looks good too. You know what, let's try them on. Tell me what you thought about it, okay! Syo: First…it's this one! What do you think? Haruka: It suits you so well! I think it really highlights Syo-kun's personality when you wear them. Syo: Hmm this one might be good! Well then for the other one… Oh, this one feels much more slender and stylish than before. Haruka: Wow…this one is cool too! Somehow it kinda brings out a different atmosphere of Syo-kun than usual, giving a fresh impression. Syo: Fresh huh, it might be good too. Ahh I'm confused on which one to choose. If it comes to this….Haruka, you decide! Haruka: (It's a big role…! Buf if you just look at Syo-kun's expression then the answer is only one.)

Ch 3: (unlocked if you reached intimacy lvl 21 with Syo)

-Shopping Mall- Haruka: To me… it's the sneakers on the left side! Syo: Oh, these? Can I ask you the reason why you choose this one? Haruka: If I'm to be honest…it's because it perfectly matched with Syo-kun's smile. Syo: …I see. Well then, I decided. I'm going to buy this one that you choose! Haruka: Wah, is it okay just like that? Syo: Yeah. I'm happy to hear your take on it. Somehow it resonated within my heart. Syo: Before I make other people happy, I have to make myself happy first, right! Haruka: That's right. I think all of your fans are always being encouraged by Syo-kun's cheerful appearance. Syo: Hehe, thanks. And of course the fact that I choose this with you is also part of the reason too. Syo: When I remember about what happened today, I feel like it'll give me strength to take the first step forward. Syo: And once you see that side of me later, I hope you feel something and gain an inspiration from it. Syo: I…really love the music that you made. Wouldn't it be great if we inspire each other? Haruka: Syo-kun…to think that's how you thought about it. Thank you so much. Syo: You don't have to thank me! And besides, since I said all of that, I really have to show you my cool side later along with this guy. Syo: During training and even on important matches, I'll be going to rely a lot on you okay. So let's get along well from now on, partner!

Ch 4: (unlocked if you reached intimacy lvl 31 with Syo)

-A Hill Overlooking The Sea- Syo: Oh…Haruka! Over here! Thank you for coming here today. Haruka: Likewise, thank you for inviting me out too. Haruka: To think that the job that you mentioned before that use physical ability was actually a CM shoot for a sports brand. Syo: I was chosen as the PR character for it. And guess what, it's the brand of the sneakers you and I went shopping for before! Syo: And then, they told me that it was okay to use my own shoes for today's filming. That's why… Syo: Look, it's the sneakers that you chose! I've been wearing them for today. Haruka: Wow…! As I thought it fits perfectly on you. Syo: Thank you! I also took a liking to it. Well then, I should prepare to do a warming up first. Syo: That's right Haruka, can you help me out a bit? I need you to push my back so that I can bend forward as far as I can. (choices) <Well then… here!> Haruka: Well then, here I go…! Syo: Whoa! Haha, that's good. That really stretch me up. Syo: Alright! I'm getting fired up! I'll be counting on you for the next one too! <I'm going to push it a little okay> Haruka: It'd be a problem if you were to get hurt, so I'm going to push it just a little okay… How about this? Syo: It's okay, you can put more power into it y'know. If it's like that then I can't properly stretch my body. Syo: Just push me like you're about lean your body on me! …Oh, this one feels great! Keep it going around this pace. (back to story) - Syo: …Phew, my body feels limber and flexible now. Thanks, you really help me out! Haruka: I'm glad I could be of help. Good luck on the filming! Syo: Right, I'll be going now. I'll be done with a bang!

Ch 5: (unlocked if you reached intimacy lvl 41 with Syo)

-A Hill Overlooking The Sea- Staff: We're going to shoot the action scene first, and then we'll add the voice afterward. Feel free to run and fly away! Syo: I understand—! …So I just need to go past the two obstacles and then jump onto the mat at the end. Alright. Haruka: (The obstacles are actually pretty high, I wonder if it'll be okay… Oh, they finally started filming now) Syo: Here I go~… Take this—!! Haruka: (Wow, what an incredible jump strength! But, the next one is more higher than before…!) Syo: I'm not done yet! Let's go with all of our might and strength! Just one more… Ha!! Syo: …All right, I did it! That felt really great…! Haruka: (…I got so absorbed in watching him that I even forgot how to breathe. Syo-kun, you're really amazing…!) - Syo: Oii, Haruka! DId you see that just now? Haruka: Yes, totally! Syo-kun, you look really cool! Syo: Thanks. It's all thanks to this sneakers that you chose for me, it gives me all of the strength to do that jump. Haruka: I'm happy that I'd be able to help. But… I don't think that's the only reason why the filming turned out good. Haruka: I believe that all of Syo-kun's daily efforts up to this day had contributed to today's result! Syo: Hm…you're right. I also think that I'm glad that I have been training my body consistently too. Syo: Although I might look like this now, but in truth, I used to have a weak body when I was young.

Ch 6: (unlocked if you reached intimacy lvl 51 with Syo)

-A Hill Overlooking The Sea- Syo: It's hard to imagine it now right, that I used to have a weak body. But, I used to get hospitalized quite often when I was a kid. Syo: I was shocked when I saw Hyuga Ryuya on the TV for the very first time. He's really strong, and shining very brightly. Syo: At that time I thought I really wanted to be like that someday, it's something that I admired. And that's the story how I started aiming to become an idol. Haruka: (So that's how you thought…) Syo: There were actually a lot of things that happened before I got here, but now I'm doing a job that requires a lot of physical ability. Syo: Well… I still didn't get taller. But it's because I'm like this that I want to show people of my cool side. Syo: I'd be happy if I could become an existence who can give courage to someone, just like how Hyuga Ryuya did to me in the past. Haruka: Syo-kun… Syo: Ah, no… What's with me getting all fired up on this talk. Syo: Sorry, I ended up talking a lot by myself. It was boring, isn't it. Haruka: No, I think the fact that you're able to speak openly and express your passion is very cool! Syo: I-Is that so…? Well, how do I say this. Um…thanks. Syo: It's because you were here that I was able to work really hard for today. If you don't mind, would you come and see me on my work again? Haruka: As long as I'm not a bother to you, then it'd be my pleasure. I want to see Syo-kun shine brightly again. Syo: It's a promise, okay. Alright, I'll do my best on my next job as well—!

[artistsfuneral]

The Road to Kaer Morhen - p.3

“Well some of us decided to make use of the daylight and get supplies,” Jaskier answered, proudly holding up their new belongings. The Cat Witcher frowned at him, head cocked to the side, “Rope? What on earth do we need rope for, it's a mountain path not a cliff climbing exercise.” Jaskier rolled his eyes and �� pointedly ignoring Aiden – knotted the rope to the side of his pack. He'd keep the charm in his belt pouch for now. “I mean seriously, Jaskier. Wouldn't food have been better? It's not like I can help a lot in that department, given the overall,” Aiden stopped himself from continuing and waved at himself with a sour face. Jaskier sighed.

He really couldn't phantom when he had developed the habit of running into half-dead witchers in need of heroic rescuing, but at this point it had happened too many times to still be considered a coincidence. Much like it had been the case with the other three Cats, the Viper, the Griffin pair and who afterwards had insisted on being called his Crane Wife, Jaskier had found Aiden just on time. After the failed assassination attempt in Yspaden and a horrible week spent hiding in the alleys and basements of Luton, Jaskier had collected enough coin and courage to head east, towards Kaedwen. Then, when traveling through the forests of Gelibol, he suddenly came across a merchant's cart and a man with amber eyes who introduced himself as Roland Treugger. Despite the fact that the man was an excellent liar, more so than the backstabbing cretin Valdo Marx himself, Jaskier almost instantly understood that there was something off about the merchant. Lo and behold, Jaskier wasn't being paranoid and the noise he heard coming from the inside of the wagon was not some caged animal to be sold at the next market, like Treugger had insisted, but Aiden bleeding onto the floor. Jaskier remembered very vividly how after that particular discovery he had turned back around and looked at the other man with a look so dispassionate it made Treugger stumble backwards. What Jaskier – despite Aiden's constant insisting – did not remember was the fact that Treugger had straight out stumbled into Jaskier's blade. Sixteen times. It certainly was a nice thought, but alas Jaskier was nothing but a humble bard and the short sword he carried with him was mostly for decoration. Aiden didn't believe him for a second.

Nevertheless the damage had already been done and while the Cat Witcher was lucky enough for both of his broken legs to heal properly, the same couldn't be said about his left arm or eye. In the passing day he lost both. Over his many years of travel the bard had to witness countless heartbreaking fates, but watching Aiden wake up only to realize what gruesome things had been done to him would stick with Jaskier for a long time. Aiden, like any witcher, was saved by his astonishingly strength and tough heart. His humor helped a lot too, as Jaskier was quick to learn.

Spending a fortnight hidden away in the forests had given them enough time to get to know and befriend each other. So when a troop of nilfgaardian soldiers found their camp, splitting up wasn't on the table anymore. Now Jaskier was stuck with a new travel companion and around a hundred horrible jokes on his mind about how Aiden was all-right, even if there was hardly anything left of him.

“No need to worry, sunshine, you forgot that I've been following Geralt around for around a century or so, I know my outdoor survival.” The bard chimed in, trying to lighten the mood again. Instead he watched how Aiden's right eye tightened. “Yeah, about that-” the witcher started, but was promptly cut off by him again. “Figuratively! Of course I meant it felt like a century. I was exaggerating, I'm a bard!” The deadpan look Aiden gave him was more than telling.

“Anyways! I think we really should get going. We've been pretty lucky so far, so I guess it's probably only a matter of time before someone comes looking for us.” The bard said, looking out the window of their small room to make sure that his fears hadn't become reality yet. “Need a helping hand?” he asked and watched with amusement as Aiden's face turned from disbelieve to being outright scandalized. “Fuck off!” He laughed and flipped Jaskier the bird, before finally getting out of bed. “You are going to end up in hell, bard,” the Cat Witcher tsked at him and went to collect his clothes from a stool nearby. “Oh shush, don't even pretend we don't share the same humor, pussycat.”

“Never said I was going to to meet Melitele either.”

“Ugh, sunshine, you're so dramatic!” Jaskier sighed, well aware of the irony behind his words. He watched, out the corner of his eyes, how Aiden slipped into his shirt, pants and coat. He struggled to secure the green sash around his waist that was supposed to keep his pants up like a belt. Aiden fought for a moment before managing to tighten the knot by holding part of the sash down with his elbow. Jaskier quietly thanked the gods for the small success and shouldered his pack and lute, checking the room twice for things he might have forgotten, while Aiden put on his boots and silver sword. He knew the Cat knew that he was watching like a hawk, but neither of them braced the topic of Jaskier's over-protectiveness.

Aiden was about to shoulder his sea sack when the two men were stopped mid-movement by loud voices coming from outside. Their eyes met and Aiden, closest to the open window, dropped to the floor just as quickly as Jaskier pressed himself against the far back wall of their room. Jerking his head towards the window he silently but sternly told Aiden to check out the commotion. After all he was the witcher, not Jaskier.

Aiden made a face at the bard that could we equally translated as 'Duh.' or 'Fuck you.' but dutifully inched closer to the window and listened. Not a moment later the witcher's pupil thinned into a predatory slit that fixated on Jaskier in a way that unmistakably meant trouble for them. “Redania,” Aiden mouthed without making a sound and then proceeded to make his way towards Jaskier, crawling on all... threes, in a way that he would've found hilarious if it weren't for their dire situation. “Soldiers,” Aiden whispered once he had reached the bard, “looking for a bard and his witcher in the name of the crown. They probably think I'm Geralt.”

“Fuck,” Jaskier cursed underneath his breath, his heart hammering inside his chest as he willed his brain to think of a plan.

“There's a back door!” he suddenly remembered, having seen one of the innkeeper's daughters enter the house through the kitchens. “If we make it downstairs in time, we can escape through the yard.”

Aiden bit his lip. “Too risky. We don't know if any of the soldiers are already inside the house and the courtyard could be closed off. I say we climb through the window in the hallway and down the balcony, then make a run for it. Through the market and straight into the forest.”

“You want to jump off a balcony with two freshly healed legs and then get us separated in a crowd, are you mad!?” Jaskier hissed and slapped his hand against Aiden's shoulder. “There's no way the courtyard is closed off! And even if, we can just climb up and out.”

“Oh, but that's not risky at all. What happens if they surround us?”

please like and reblog if you voted

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How do you pronounce Kaedwen in your head? like Cat-Wen or Kate-Wen? I've always said it like cat-wen, but I started watching the nightmare wolf movie thingy and I'm pretty sure they said kate-wen. and I didn't like it.

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[hollyhomburg]

what is your review about the lesserafim workout

ooooh! i will totally give my review!

a bit of a disclaimer- i have an above average stamina and i've walked 3 miles every day for the last year so my opinion is of someone who already worked out everyday/had experience working out. your experience may be different! there is also a brief mention of disordered eating in this, just a disclaimer!!

My review of the lesserafim workout is that it has a high barrier for entry and requires more than just the workout to loose weight or gain muscle. alot of people claim you'll see results in one week and that is utter bullshit, i'd say it took at least 4 weeks for me to see/feel results- which is pretty good for a work out. if you're ever in online spaces and someone claims to have changed their body in one week- please realize that they are likely either 1. starving themselves while doing the work out or 2. taking steroids. Overnight results do not happen. thats just not how bodies work.

the lesseraphim work out is as follows:

100 jumping jacks (4 sets of 25)

100 burpees ( 10 sets of 10)

20 jump squats (2 sets of 10)

plank crawl - 3min (3 sets of one min)

20 plank twist/russian twist (20 each side)

plank up/down- 100 (5 sets of 20)

crunches - 100 (4 sets of 25)

Some exercises in it (like the plank crawls + burpees) have a really high stamina barrier that is really hard to overcome- it took probably a month for me to feel not-daunted by the prospect of doing them and at first i split them into 10 burpee sets. i would not recommend this work out to someone who isn't used to working out/already fairly athletic/used to exerting yourself- because i think it would be a really easy way to burn yourself out.

There are also some of the exercises that an inexperienced person would probably injure themselves doing- like the plank up/downs. if you have wrist issues whatsoever i would skip this step- and i actually ended up abandoning it after the first months because my wrists hurt too bad. Joint health >>>> results the only other exercise i ended up switching out was the plank crawls, now i just do planks, but you do you. i just don't like plank crawls, i need to strike a balance of enjoying working out and it taxing me and plank crawls where just too much of a mental energy sap for me to keep going with them. i did add 50 push ups to this work out- to make up the difference.

i've done the lesseraphim work out for about 3 months now 4-5 times a week and during that time i did gain 5lbs of muscle/chub- jurys up on which it was i'm leaning towards muscle because i have a lot more definition in my shoulders in particular from the plank crawls- like it definitely made me ripped in my upper body in a way that i did not anticipate.

One thing i did notice is that my overall appetite did increase on this work out, and i kinda started a bulk/cut cycle in the middle of it- so of course because i was eating more protein i gained more muscle. i just started my cut cycle last week and i'm down 2lbs already so! its hard to say what my end results will be! it definitely increased my metabolic baseline however- because i was feeling the drive to eat so much more. so if you are looking to increase your maintenance calories this would definitely help. My current cut schedule is at like 1,300 calories a day with 60g protein so- that is a bit extream depending on what you consider.

i will say i can certainly see more definition im my ab area and my shoulders above all else- but what i don't like is that this work out stresses your calfs with all the burpees and tbh- my calf circumference has increased a whole inch in the last year so- that is definitely not a muscle i am trying to grow. be mindful to streach before and after you do this work out!

some of the exercises like the crunches and jumping jacks and jump squats felt a little bit easy compared to the burpees and plan crawls and i either ended up increasing the amount of them or changing them up a bit because i didn't find them challenging. but it's all up to what you want to do.

my lesseraphim inspired work out now:

100 burpees (done in a 10 minute period, no longer in set just with 30 second breaks as needed)

100 crunches (4 sets x 25, sometimes 2 x 50)

40 jump squats (4 sets x 10 usually done alternating with the crunches since they are similar skill level)

planks (3 minutes total, 1 minute sets)

Plank twists (3 sets x 40, 20 each side)

crunches (2 sets of 50)

push ups (5 sets of 10)

finish up with a 3 mile walk at 10 incline for ~ 1hr.

Sorry to go on a tangent but here you go! i do this work out 5-6 times a week (i walk everyday but i don't always have time to do this work out) the longest it's ever taken me is an hour and 20 minutes, the shortest is just over 30!

if you have experience with this work out i'd love to hear your thoughts on it too!

[booksbluegurl]

Do you have any tips for stress before exam? My exam is in one month but, because I already go through failing it last year, I'm so scared now...

I love your blog so much and I wish you the best!

Hello!

I can totally understand your fear related to your upcoming exams. I also have my exams starting in June and was just done with one in May starting.

It does seem like a big mountain that we'd need to overcome barefoot, specially when the exams are so close.

I'd like to recommend you to check out my tip to manage overwhelm over a big syllabus if you haven't been able to comprehend studying or revision scenario.

Okay so, dealing with stress before exam

1. First thing you'd need to detach yourself from your past failures or success. It's difficult, I know. I had problems with doing the same too. But you'd need to consciously detach from all your fears, everytime they try to evade your mind.

I try to do that by affirmations. But honestly, one of the best things I found which helps me get rid of negative feelings, even if its momentary, is physical exercise or a walk. It works like magic. I didn't use this magic before my May exam and I regret not using it. But now, I've been consistently going for a walk or having some kind of physical exercise.

2. Now, this is a big part of most of my advices is to cut your syllabus into smaller, digestible chunks. And then take it. Lets say, you have 20 days and you have to read a 500 book for the exam, wow that sounds very scary. But what if, we decide to 25 pages a day. It may be a big deal depending upon how much you're used to reading,

If you're not used to long hours of studying/reading, start with small. See, the whole idea is to get working. Because when we are worrying, we're not working. So the idea is to put yourself in a state of flow. Again, I often feel this flow after some workout or exercise. So, let's say, you're going for a 10 minutes walk or you did 10 Jumping Jacks in your room, after the fatigue aspect is over, you're gonna feel more calm. Focus on the calm, make use of it.

Focusing on your physical wellbeing, is definitely gonna make your mental being well. Because, we all know that getting rid of stressful, negative thoughts isn't easy. We can say "don't think that. You're amazing. You'll do it" but to a person used to thinking negatively, any kind of positive words would sound like lies. So if we can't directly say good things to ourselves, we'll hack the system and then try again. And focusing on your physical wellbeing is the hack.

In short: exercise. go for a walk. drink a lot of water. perhaps making a routine might help. or atleast make a routine for your exercise or walks. sleep. take rest.

I hope this helps. Sometimes this advice seems counterproductive, but it's actually more helpful in such situations. Because our body and mind's already working itself up, we need to bring it to a state of rest. If we can't calm the mind, we'll start by calming the body.

A few other things you can try is Study with Me video on youtube or study discord channels where people come together to study. You can try going out to a cafe to study, if that's your thing. Change your environment, change the pattern of studying, try something new that you can try in a short time.

You'll do it, alright? Focus on the doing, focus on the action. Give all your focus on the action and not the result. Perhaps that might help you get rid of some of the worry.

Good luck ✨

-Tanishka.

(thank you so much for liking my blog ❤️)